Giving Ourselves Permission is like Eating Chocolate
Hey! Hi! Hello! Happy Monday!
Last week we talked about getting into therapy for the first time. This week we are explore what happens after we feel comfortable with our therapist and you begin the daunting task of opening up all of those hard and uncomfy topics. We often have to give ourselves permission to be open and honest with our therapist and even more importantly, with ourselves.
Let’s talk about how we can give ourselves permission to be vulnerable and open to the therapeutic process. It’s kinda similar to giving ourselves permission to eat chocolate (or the treat of your choosing).
Why is it so gosh darn hard?
There are so many reasons why it is hard to give ourselves permission to speak/be/do. We can find a million excuses why it isn’t a good idea or what would happen if we did. It’s pretty similar to whether we allow ourselves to eat chocolate (or your indulgence of choice, i’m going to use chocolate, because that’s my fave). When the opportunity to eat chocolate falls into your lap (generalizing here) we go through the push and pull of “I want it, but I shouldn’t, but it would be really yummy, but I really shouldn’t”.
The “shouldn’t” in this example is because of past shame that we have placed on the chocolate. You may not even remember doing that consciously, we just happen to live in a society that shames us for eating delicious treats if they aren’t “healthy”.
Similarly, we live in a society that shames us for speaking our truth. Not until recently it’s been socially acceptable to say “I have therapy today” Or “Sorry, I can’t do that fun thing you are suggesting, I have a therapy session to get to”. Historically, there has been a tremendous amount of judgment placed on us to even think about entering a space where we can talk about and process feelings and emotions.
We have years and years of intergenerational shame and internal criticism to move through to get to a place where it feels okay to open up in therapy and to begin doing the work that we truly want to do.
Why do we need to give ourselves permission?
I suppose “need” is a strong word here. Why should we want to give ourselves permission? It’s actually a pretty simple answer, it’s happiness. We should give ourselves permission because it usually makes us happier in the long term.
Let’s reflect on that shame or stigma or judgment we have towards ourselves upon revealing what we really want. If we are presented with a choice to give ourselves permission to or to not, let’s think about the emotional experiences that come up in making such a decision.
Once again, returning to chocolate. To eat or not to eat. Generally, we have a whole host of reasons about why we shouldn’t eat the chocolate. “It’s not healthy” “It’s bad for my teeth” “There is too much sugar” “What if someone judges me?” etc etc. All of those thoughts bring a tremendous amount of shame and judgment onto ourselves. Those thoughts sit with us and carry over to how we see ourselves. They hold us back from what we truly want. And in this context what we truly want is chocolate. Giving ourselves the permission to eat the chocolate generally leads to happiness.
When we reflect on our lives are we really going to be happy about all of the times we denied ourselves of a sweet treat or the times we allowed ourselves?
In terms of therapy, we get to make the courageous decision to either talk about the hard stuff that is actually bringing us to therapy or talk about the fluffy stuff that is way easier to talk about. Don’t get me wrong, the fluffy is great. You can make your therapist laugh and giggle and you may even become your therapist’s favorite client comedian.
However, holding back from the hard, uncomfy stuff isn’t truly helping us in the big picture. Giving ourselves the permission to dive into the hard stuff is one of the most challenging parts of therapy. But it is also the beauty of the experience. With the right therapist and environment, therapy becomes a safe space to share and be vulnerable with another human being. Giving yourself permission to really lean in and trust the process can be extremely beautiful and healing.
When we reflect on our lives are we going to be happy with ourselves thinking about the things we didn’t say or the things that we did?
How do we even give ourselves permission?
Giving ourselves permission to eat chocolate is a tad easier (in most cases) than giving yourself permission to be vulnerable in the presence of another human.
How do we give ourselves permission to eat chocolate?
Tell ourselves that we deserve it. We deserve to treat ourselves to a moment of happiness in the form of food.
Recognize that our chocolate related shame was not something that we placed on ourselves, it’s something that was placed on us.
Remember, the only one judging us for eating chocolate is ourselves.
How do we give ourselves permission to become vulnerable in therapy??
Building trust: Finding a therapist that we can truly be ourselves with. This is where building a therapeutic rapport/relationship with a therapist becomes important. If we don’t feel particularly safe with a therapist, we won’t be able to be open and honest with ourselves in front of them.
Communicate our needs: Remember that our therapy is for us. There are very little “rules” or “expectations” in therapy. We get to set the tone and the pace. If our therapists are moving too fast, tell them! If our therapists are moving too slow, tell them! If you want to share a hard thing, but don’t want any follow up questions or to talk about it anymore, tell them! (If a therapist doesn’t respect your needs then they aren’t the right therapist for you!)
Make a pro-con list: Think about the thing(s) we know we want to talk about in therapy, but they feel too big and too uncomfy. Make a pro/con list of what would happen if we did tell our therapists about it. Maybe at first there are more cons than pros. That might mean we aren’t ready to share the thing yet. We can periodically check back in on those pros and cons and one day the pros will outweigh the cons. And if they don’t, that is something to bring up with our therapists. No specifics, just the fact that this topic has too many cons to the pros.
Start small: Starting teeny tiny is a great way to practice being vulnerable with our therapists. We can test the waters, if you will. We can share just a portion of a thing or share a small thing from our lives to see how our therapists respond. This will continue to build the trust we are building with them so that in the future we can feel more confident in sharing the big stuff.
What happens when we give ourselves the permission?
Happiness! Freedom! Empowerment! Other Good Feels! Once we get past all of the reasons why we shouldn’t be vulnerable or we shouldn’t eat the chocolate and we do it, we rarely regret it. Of course, as long as we are in a safe and respectful environment (with ourselves or with a therapist), we generally come out the other side stronger and happier than we were before.
Does it still feel impossible? Then how about before getting to the point of exploring giving yourself the permission on your own, bring up the topic with your therapist. It can be a great way to start small!
Virtually yours,
Sara Barber MSS, LCSW, CCTP
P.S. Remember if you are reading this (and you aren’t one of my clients) I am not your therapist and you should take what I share with that in mind. I’m here for the laughs (mostly at myself) and the education. If you’d like me to be your therapist or are interested in finding a therapist, email me!
P.P.S If the permission you want to give yourself is a harm to yourself or others, please immediately speak to a mental health professional or go to your local hospital if it is an emergency.